Walking Through A Self Love Storm, And Finding The Hidden Opportunities in Frustration

Linda Sanderville Author

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So in today's episode, I want to talk about what it's like when we're going through a self-love storm. Not only what it's like when we're going through it in the middle of it, but also some things that you can do to manage it in the moment. And some things that you could maybe even look forward to after the storm has started to subside. And of course, that's always really helpful to know that there is something that you can look forward to.

So I feel like it's fitting that I'm recording this on an evening when it's actually a little stormy outside so you may hear some background noise. But a self-love storm, what is it? What is a self-love storm? So it's a term, obviously, that I just made up, but I feel like it perfectly describes the kind of situations that we find ourselves facing so much of the time.

And the thing is, when you're in a self-love storm, when you're in the middle of a storm, you know it. Because nothing goes right. It seems like every disaster that could happen happens. You find out that you've overlooked some subtle cue with this person that you started dating or this job that you accepted. And those subtle cues that you've overlooked turn into major problems later on.

You'll feel personally attacked inside of your relationships or your place of work or your community space. And that'll be really devastating and isolating. It'll seem like rejection is now the norm. Like acceptance is hard to find. And your inner peace, well that feels like it's just swirling down the toilet drain.

Self-love storms are nothing to sneeze at. They feel really overwhelming when you're in the middle of them. And it's really hard not to feel like, you know, the mistakes that you've made are, you know, they're not failures, right? Because when we're in a self-love storm, we begin to view things much more from a place of lack around what we lack, you know, what we did wrong or how we failed. It's really easy to kind of drift into that place.

So if you're not quite there, you might not necessarily be in a full-on self-love storm. I'm talking about those really difficult time periods where everything seems to be happening at once.

So what can you do? If you're in this place, what can you do, right? When it feels like there's no support or you're kind of just not handling things well, you know, it's really automatic for some of us to fall into this place of judgment or judging ourselves. Gosh, get it together. You know, why can't you just figure this out? And we move really quickly into this place of trying to force change and solutions and resolving problems like right away.

And if you're someone who struggles with perfectionism or you were like a firstborn daughter, you know, you may like very quickly move into the state of trying to function and fix and make it all better. And when you can't do that, it's going to make you're going to end up feeling like you're doing something wrong, even when you're not actually doing anything wrong, right? The situation is just the situation. So rather than running too quickly into this place of, you know, focusing on change, how can we fix it? I actually really urge you and want you to allow space for your feelings. And I know that this is nothing new. You've heard it before and yet, right? You're talking about this because yet many of us still struggle to actually do it.

When you allow space for your feelings, immediately you are taking away the source of resistance that can actually prolong the self-love storm, right? That will prolong this period of time where you feel like, man, I'm not handling this well, I don't have what it takes, or all these negative beliefs are surfacing. So when you just allow space to say like, Okay, I am frustrated. I'm so frustrated with this situation. Nothing is going the way that I really wanted it to. This isn't how I planned it. Then you give yourself room to acknowledge and validate your own emotions, right? You become that safe person, you know, that safe person that we all needed when we were younger, you become that safe person for yourself and your own inner child.

When you do that, the resistance within you, which often pushes back against any notion that things could be okay, starts to subside. This resistance lessens, granting you more clarity and acceptance about what's not working in your life.

During challenging times, surrender becomes necessary as you acknowledge your feelings without rushing to change them immediately. Change will come, but it comes more easily when you don't rush into it as your initial response. Trust me, I've been there.

After making space for your feelings and sitting with yourself, explore how your body feels and your current mood. Are you angry? Sad? Are you crying because you're angry? Allow yourself room to be with these emotions.

Once you've acknowledged your feelings, begin to name them. Explore and articulate what you're experiencing, such as anger, sadness, or disappointment in response to specific situations.

Ignoring your emotions won't make them disappear; they'll still linger within you. So, giving them space and naming them allows these emotions to subside naturally without resistance. Don't ignore your feelings; otherwise, they may intensify and grow into overwhelming emotional monsters. Offer them attention upfront to facilitate a smoother release.

Consider co-regulating, which is a natural practice for many but can be a challenge if you tend to be more independent or perfectionistic. Co-regulation involves inviting someone into your experience to help you find grounding in the moment. It's not about using others as a crutch but allowing vulnerability to strengthen your connection.

Choose someone you trust, as they can be there for you, just as you've been there for others. Co-regulation offers an opportunity for deeper connection and support during challenging times. We'll discuss the rewards of this process and the "rainbow on the other side of the storm" later.

Many of you listening are the kind of people who are always there for others, not typically the ones who ask for support. You've been the shoulder for others to lean on.

And so this might not be your norm, and yet I really call you to and I ask you to consider letting others be there for you too, because the odds are pretty good that there is somebody who wants to be there for you. Somebody who is grateful for all the times that you have been there for them. He was grateful for your support, your steadiness, the rock that you were in their life, and would be happy to be there for you.

And you know what? Sometimes when people are more used to us being the ones that they can lean on, they may not know exactly what to do. And they may not do it perfectly. And that's really okay, because you can show them. Maybe what you want from that person is not words of advice, because they're not actually that great at giving advice, right? But a lot of times when we're in the storm, we actually don't need that much advice. What we really need is someone to sit with us and to be with us, right? Co-regulation is someone being with you, not them coming in and then fixing your problems. So you can invite them to be with you. Maybe you want them to come over and just watch a movie with you and not talk. Because again, talking is like not their gift, right? But they can be with you. They can provide some comfort in that way. They can give you a hug. They can give you physical touch, right? Maybe they can give you a gift of a bouquet of flowers or just bring you a nice cup of tea or cup of coffee, right? There's all kinds of ways that others can be there for us that don't require some, you know, master's degree in counseling, or, you know, the sage wisdom from living on this earth for 90 years or something like they don't need to have all that to be able to give you some amount of comfort that will allow you to have that co-regulation that we so often need in the midst of a self-love storm.

And then when you've had a little bit of this time, you've, you know, identified your feelings, you've had some time for some co-regulation, you've given space for all that you're experiencing. I do want you to think about what is the story that the storm is highlighting for you? What is the story or this core belief that is being unearthed, right? The story that was already there taking up real estate inside of you, but was not really fully exposed until now. Okay.

And now we're getting more into the opportunities on the other side of the storm because those opportunities really do start here. This is an opportunity to see, okay, why was I triggered by the situation or these series of things that happened all at once? Again, that's what a self-love storm often consists of. What was it about this series of events that really got under my skin that made me feel so flooded, so overwhelmed, and so out of control? What is it that I believe about myself or my circumstances, right, that this is bringing up for me, that's kicking up dust for me?

The more that we can have a deeper understanding of what we actually believe or the stories that we're carrying around that we don't even know about, then we have an opportunity to actually reintegrate these different pieces that have been broken off by these negative stories, these lies. We have an opportunity to reintegrate those pieces of our identity into a more holistic and healthy perspective. So you're getting an opportunity to grow. It doesn't mean, mind you, like none of this is saying that a self-love storm is something that you have to be happy about or thankful for. Some of you may be in a place where you're able to say, like, oh, I'm thankful for the storm. And that's great, but not all of you are going to feel that way. And you don't have to. You don't have to feel thankful for the storm. You don't have to be grateful for that, okay?

I'm the last one who's going to say that you have to feel that way in order to get some benefit from it. But you know what? If horrible things have happened, if distressing things have happened over the course of your day, your year, what I at least want for you is that you can gain something on the other side even if it was truly horrible, right? We don't have to debate how horrible it was because some things are just horrible. They're just a mess. And you know, that happens in life at times. However, we do have a choice about how we respond to those things. That's where we have our choices, right? So how can you integrate this new awareness of a story that you didn't even know that you had in your head, right? The story of how you're too much or the story of how things just don't really work out for you. So if they seem like they're working out, well, watch out. It's about, you know, the other shoe's about to drop, right? Like those stories, you have an opportunity to reintegrate and identify how those things are actually just lies and how you would be better off without those lies, right?

So on the other hand, too, when we're talking about, you know, co-regulation earlier, a self-love storm gives you that opportunity to experience what it's like to have other people just simply be with you and remind you that you're not alone. And this might be because that person has been through their own storms and they know what it's like and they're just like, girl, yeah, I don't have any words. I'm just going to buy I'm here for you. And yeah, I get it. Right. So you can experience what it's like for someone just to be there with you and for you without expecting anything.

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